Thursday, June 29, 2006

An Anniversary

Note to readers: I agonized over whether to post this or not; and decided that I would, with this disclaimer. I know that there are some of you who had bad moms or no mom at all. How I wish I could change that for you. I also know that there are many out there in blogland who have great moms, but with the busyness of life - jobs, family, distance, sometimes conflict - they have lost sight of what a precious gift they have in their moms which can disappear so suddenly and never be replaced. This blog is for them and for my mom. I love you mom....I love you the most.

Wednesday was an anniversary (of sorts) for me. June 28th 2003, a sunny Saturday afernoon, my mom lost her battle with cancer.

Three years....yet I can still remember the day as though it were yesterday. I was with her on that day. The day my precious precious mom slipped slowly out of my life and into the arms of Jesus.

She was just 65 years old.

I wanted to write a post about this day, to not let it pass without saying something and thereby hold on to her in some small part. But my thoughts were a jumble.

Am I writing in order to honor my mom? Well most certainly in part. My mom was an honorable mom. She wasn’t a perfect person (who is?) but she was a good, generous, decent, caring, warm person; she didn't always get it right but she was a very good mom.

I also wanted this post to really encourage you, to spur you on - if your mom is still alive, make the most of every opportunity to love her and let her love you. Because you’ll find that when’s she’s gone from your life, there is just nobody like her. Nobody loves you like your mom. Nobody cares about the little things and big things in your life in the same way. It’s just part of motherhood, I’m coming to learn as I’ve had children of my own. Noone will listen and care in the same way as your mom does - about your job, your spouse, your children, your struggles & your joys, about the last funk you fell into or furniture you bought for your den. It’s something special about moms.

Reflecting on three years without my mom...I wish I could have just one more hug and in knowing it is my last, linger in her arms a minute longer. I wish I could have one more visit and stay that extra day, and in knowing this house would no longer be hers, soak up her presence in it; eat and enjoy every morsel, talk about the past, write down her favorite recipes. I wish I could have just one more talk, and in knowing these are our last words, tell her how much she means to me, how much I love her, how much I appreciate what a good mom she’s been. I wish she could see my kids just one more time, and in knowing that they wouldn’t meet again until we’re altogether with Jesus, I would watch carefully the joy in her eyes, listen for the pride in voice, feel the tenderness of her touch as she hugged and kissed them goodbye. I wish I could have just one more phone call and in knowing I couldn’t call her again, talk about the little details of life that are so easily swept past and talk deeply of the things that really matter - of life and forgiveness and love.

I can’t have any of these things. I’ve had all my lasts. And it isn’t enough. Though it will have to be, until we’ll be together again with Christ. On that day, I trust that her perfected body will still be just the right size, I will hug her close.

My hope for you is that you still have time. Time and time again before your own lasts. And I pray that you would make them count, make them meaningful, realize what a treasure you still have to enjoy.

And if you’ve had your lasts, I’m saying a prayer for you. That you would have the comfort of Christ that I have found in this time of the loss of one so dear; the comfort in knowing that my own mom’s love was but a shadow of the kind of love He has for me. He does love me and “get” me and care about the biggest and smallest details of my life, even the heart-break of losing my mom.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for this...

Thankfulmom said...

Lovely blog and tribute to your mother. God bless your journey to your babies.


Amanda/MayhemMama said...

I'm sorry you lost your mom.

We live far away from my mom, but I get to see her in a few days. Thank you for the encouragement to make the most of our time together.

(Thanks also for your decorating tips recently on my blog! I'll have to be sure to post a picture of the finished room, when it's done.)

Anne said...

Ann, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts about the loss of your mom -- I almost lost mine five years ago, and we've since moved just to live close to her.

The adoption process has given me a new perspective on mothers and loss -- it's amazing how much there is to learn in this life.

Again, thank you, and I'm so sorry about your loss.

Shelton said...

I keep trying to write just the right thing, but the tears closing my throat and stinging my eyese keep getting in the way. So, I guess that says it all. Thank you for sharing your heart.

pastormac said...

auh, Princess. I'm sorry I missed this blog. It's a sad day indeed when I'm too busy to check in on your blog.
You are very special. I certainly honor your mom because she produced you!

Barbara H. said...

My mom passed away last December, so we're going through all of the "firsts" without her. She was 68, and like Collette sings to her father in Les Miserables, "It's too soon, too soon to say good-bye." Your post here captured so perfectly what I have felt this year -- wishes for one more hug, another chance to talk, and the thought that no one loves me or has the history with me that my mother did. If not for not knowing that our times are in His hand and having some idea of the joys she is experiencing now, I don't think I could stand it. I like the last paragraph as well -- that, much as she loved me, it's just a shadow of His love.

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful post. The Golden Keyboard was well deserved.

Scribbit said...

I'm so sorry for your loss these last three years--When I was little I used to worry about losing my parents and thought that it was the worst when you are young but the older I get the idea of losing them is just as difficult to contemplate. Thank you for sharing this.

Antique Mommy said...

This was so touching, I cried all the way through it. It was beautifully written. Thank you for posting this. I'm sorry for your loss.